The future’s software: the future’s shit

Software is taking over the world. Arguably software has already taken over the world. The trouble is: software is all shit – and it’s all your fault.

I had one of those seconds-from-flinging-something-heavy-through-my-tv days yesterday: I really have had it with crappy software. First, I decided to relax and catch up with last week’s Have I Got News For You on BBC iPlayer. Unfortunately, for some unfathomable reason, the XBox iPlayer app has become shit in recent months. Last night, it played 0.5 seconds of the show and hung. Network traffic was still flying by, but none of it was appearing on my TV. Fine, I switched to using iPlayer on my laptop – at least that normally works.

Afterwards I decided to watch another of the (excellent, by the way) American remake of House of Cards on Netflix. First, my router had got its knickers in a twist and switched the VPN so Netflix thought I was in the US, so all of my recently watched had disappeared. Boot up laptop (again), login to admin page on the router, fiddle with settings, reboot, reboot XBox, login again: there we go, UK Netflix is back, I can finally watch House of Cards. Except now the TV has crashed and refuses to decode the HDCP signal from the XBox. Reboot TV: no. Reboot xbox, again. Yes! We have signal!

I sat back and started watching. I have to get up, three times, because the volume is quieter than a quiet thing on quiet day in quiet land. Eventually it was so damned quiet I manage to miss some dialog, so I get to use the, occasionally awesome, XBox kinect voice control feature that saves me scrabbling to find the controller: “xbox rewind”. Excellent, it starts rewinding. “xbox stop”. “XBOX, STOP!” “Oh for fuck’s fucking sake xbox, fucking stop you fucking retarded demon, STOP!”. Find the controller. Wait for it to boot up. Now the Netflix app has resumed its entirely random bug where I lose all the on screen navigation controls, so I have to guess which combination of up, down, A, A, B, up, down stops the bloody rewind and not the one that invokes the super Netflix boss level. Eventually the button mashing exits Netflix, not what I intended but at least it’s stopped rewinding. I launch Netflix again. This time the on screen controls work. Woohoo! Now volume has switched back to slightly louder than a jet engine piped directly against your ear drum, so I jump up and turn the volume down before it wakes my little boy up.

By now, I’m in no mood for political intrigue – killing every developer that was involved in any of the pieces of software that have ruined my mood and my evening, quite gladly: pass me the knife, I’m happy to relieve each them of their useless lives and hopelessly misapplied careers.

The trouble is: it’s not their fault. All software is shit. As software takes over more and more of my life I realise: it’s not getting any better. My phone crashes, my TV crashes, my hi-fi crashes. My sat nav gets lost and my car needs a BIOS upgrade. This is all before I get to work and get to use any actual computers. Actual computers that I actually hate.

Every step of every day, software is pissing me off. And you know what? It’s only going to get worse. As software invades more and more of our lives our complete inability to create decent, stable software is becoming a plague. The future will be dominated by people swearing at every little computer they come into contact with. In our bright software future where everything is digital and we’re constantly plugged into the metaverse I will spend my entire life swearing at it for being so unutterably, unnecessarily shit.

You know what else? As software developers: it’s all our fault.

5 thoughts on “The future’s software: the future’s shit

  1. CAS

    I agree, and I program computers for a hobby. I still use Windows XP cus I like its interface, but on reinstalling recently my audio has stopped working and no ‘fix’ I can find works. I like Linux but it doesn’t have the software I like to use. Windows XP will not be supported soon, but windows 8 looks ghastly and a real pain to use. I stopped buying computer games a few years ago, after buying one (rated best game etc.) which crashed my PC every 10 minutes. My bank gives me crap service cus every time I request a service that humans used to provide, ‘the computer says no can do’. I can’t stand smart phones, they annoy me with their crappy little keypads and crappy apps. A certain popular photo-sharing site now has infinite scroll that eats up all my PCs RAM, making the site unbrowsable. Email has annoying adds that give me a headache in seconds and encourage me to use email as little as possible. Computer software is fast ruining the world and I find myself using as few softwares as possible. I still enjoy writing my own software, however, ironically.

  2. CAS

    Oh, and Youtube hardly works on my Windows PC anymore, so to watch it I have to run my Knoppix disc (on which the sound works, but my old PC games don’t) and reinstall flash player each time (cus the OS is live). (That is if I can open my CD drive to put the disc in, as certain softwares seem to lock the drive). I really enjoy learning about computers and programming them, but as a software user I find computers are sapping my will to live!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s